151015. A beautiful number, but an ugly day for me. Right from morning until the moment i'm writing this, in the evening.
Day started off sooo bad. I had indigestion last night, and waking up feeling that i never sleep. I was sleepy to school. The time moves so slowly until 1st relief class, 9am.
Happened to be the 12th class. Of Standard 6. I lost count of their rudeness. Don't even care i'm infront of them, playing stupid games of insulting friends, whispering behind me, even making me the target in their so-called truth or dare game. I don't know why i didn't explode in class. Maybe because i'm feeling quite unwell. That time i just wished i fainted in class. Noisy like am-i-even-exist-there?
Worse when the teacher who's just 1 desk away from me in teachers' room, came from next class to scold the students. For being too noisy. I had the universe-scale embarrassment.
And i can't even bring myself to say thank you 1st to that teacher, until he himself came behind me and said sorry if he was interrupting my class. I'm so ready to hide under my desk that time. (Lucky i managed to thank him).
The class still continue being rude to me even after getting scolded. I did let out some anger (more to threaten them) to group of students playing slap-your-friends-hand-hard-is-fun (bising macam kat funfair pulak tu). Offering to add more pain with the long big thick wooden ruler i found in class. Tau takut. Thank you for dismissal.
I was out-of-space for 2nd class relief where i just let the students find key to music room, dragging 15 minutes when i know i should just get back to class earlier. I know it wouldn't work out but i still didn't do anything until too much time passed.
What happened next is the key to my door to emotional hell-like day. I gave key to Agama room, so that the teacher can borrow desks to use for meeting. I didn't ask when, how long will they be used etc etc. It bring disaster to me. Turnout the meeting was at noon (where i assume in the morning), but there're Agama class in evening session today. That teacher said thank you to me so many times that i feel suspicious to me. Another mistake is, i didn't do anything about it and just went for 3rd class relief.
Yes to my horror, she didn't want to return the desks for the students' use, and do nothing about it, and said she'll talk to other teachers if they are asking. Clearly taking advantage of my non-assertive self, to let her go on with the meeting -using our desks- even when i said they'll be Agama class on evening session today.
Again i don't know what to do because i try to fix my mistakes, but it didn't work. I don't want to run from the problem, but i was already worn out at that time, it passed 1.30pm, evening session teachers already asking why i'm still at school.
I had long moment of not knowing what to do, sitting at my place, almost crying, but too exhausted to think. I text the other teachers (i already faced her once) saying i failed, and walked back home heavy. And go to kedai runcit to buy canned coffee and chocolate, but i know the remedy is just too short and temporary.
Worst of all, i can't even cry out of it. I have to keep it, so my eyes won't be swollen and asked for what is wrong. Everything is wrong today, can't fix it, can't cry when i feel it, i have long-list of things to be done BY TOMORROW. Depressed at its peak.
Never unwelcome friday like this before. Never.
-yana-
No comments:
Post a Comment