If i can call a day: WORST DAY OF MY LIFE 151015

This gotta be one of the worst day of my life. More when i can't even cry. I have to suppressed it.

151015. A beautiful number, but an ugly day for me. Right from morning until the moment i'm writing this, in the evening.

Day started off sooo bad. I had indigestion last night, and waking up feeling that i never sleep. I was sleepy to school. The time moves so slowly until 1st relief class, 9am.

Happened to be the 12th class. Of Standard 6. I lost count of their rudeness. Don't even care i'm infront of them, playing stupid games of insulting friends, whispering behind me, even making me the target in their so-called truth or dare game. I don't know why i didn't explode in class. Maybe because i'm feeling quite unwell. That time i just wished i fainted in class. Noisy like am-i-even-exist-there?

Worse when the teacher who's just 1 desk away from me in teachers' room, came from next class to scold the students. For being too noisy. I had the universe-scale embarrassment.

And i can't even bring myself to say thank you 1st to that teacher, until he himself came behind me and said sorry if he was interrupting my class. I'm so ready to hide under my desk that time. (Lucky i managed to thank him).

The class still continue being rude to me even after getting scolded. I did let out some anger (more to threaten them) to group of students playing slap-your-friends-hand-hard-is-fun (bising macam kat funfair pulak tu). Offering to add more pain with the long big thick wooden ruler i found in class. Tau takut. Thank you for dismissal.

I was out-of-space for 2nd class relief where i just let the students find key to music room, dragging 15 minutes when i know i should just get back to class earlier. I know it wouldn't work out but i still didn't do anything until too much time passed.

What happened next is the key to my door to emotional hell-like day. I gave key to Agama room, so that the teacher can borrow desks to use for meeting. I didn't ask when, how long will they be used etc etc. It bring disaster to me. Turnout the meeting was at noon (where i assume in the morning), but there're Agama class in evening session today. That teacher said thank you to me so many times that i feel suspicious to me. Another mistake is, i didn't do anything about it and just went for 3rd class relief.

Yes to my horror, she didn't want to return the desks for the students' use, and do nothing about it, and said she'll talk to other teachers if they are asking. Clearly taking advantage of my non-assertive self, to let her go on with the meeting -using our desks- even when i said they'll be Agama class on evening session today.

Again i don't know what to do because i try to fix my mistakes, but it didn't work. I don't want to run from the problem, but i was already worn out at that time, it passed 1.30pm, evening session teachers already asking why i'm still at school.

I had long moment of not knowing what to do, sitting at my place, almost crying, but too exhausted to think. I text the other teachers (i already faced her once) saying i failed, and walked back home heavy. And go to kedai runcit to buy canned coffee and chocolate, but i know the remedy is just too short and temporary.

Worst of all, i can't even cry out of it. I have to keep it, so my eyes won't be swollen and asked for what is wrong. Everything is wrong today, can't fix it, can't cry when i feel it, i have long-list of things to be done BY TOMORROW. Depressed at its peak.

Never unwelcome friday like this before. Never.

-yana-

Random things, How you know you're finally an adult?

I can say Henley Hii is my ideal type right? cough
whenifirstsawhiminreallifeitwasconfirmed
cough. And that reply on ig got me smiling ear to ear! I'm sorry i'm just a mere fan but he seems so considerate!

And i won't post this one on twitter, in case Alvin will directed here *i doubt he reads any of my entry, except maybe the one i linked him long ago*

I don't know why i'm too conscious with Alvin, as if it will hurt him if i spazz over other male artists. Because i feel like you're vulnerable. Just like Cha Hakyeon of VIXX. You care too much, you'll hurt as much. But both of you are so loving, and strong.

Heh talking like i know him on other level, when i'm just a fan who he happened to remember my name, maybe because i mentioned him a lot on twitter. Siapalah aku, only a person who can wish you the best from far. Dah Yana jangan nak melo sangat. Over.

Anyway, i started to think this blog served more as a diary to me, lately. Maybe because i'm lonely? Or 'lonely' might not be the right word. I prefer 'I had more, lots of time for myself'.

I had this sentence echoes for me a lot today, delivered by my best friend Pah, whom i missed alot, i might cry. I told her almost 90% about what happened to me when i change my staying place to current one, how i search for room/house to rent by myself, searching and communicating with society without any help of acquaintance, going to school alone, enduring things alone. This got hammered in my mind:

Yana dah dewasa.. (You've grown up..)

She sounds like a proud mom friend through the phone. And I'm so overwhelmed by that comment. Until this very second. I miss you. REALLY.

That was the 1st time i received such comment, even i'm the type to travel alone (and far) many times, people just called me brave. Never have i received: you're grown up now.

But then, I'm having life problem right now, and i don't know how to solve it. 24 years old, but i'm still lost. Daughter of my tenant came today, saying when she's my age, she already got married. I must be still a very young person in her eyes (her daughter called me 'kakak' -sis- when i think i should be her makcik level already)

Coincidentally, i'm on episode of Twenty Again where Minsoo asked: do i really am adult right now? (He portrays 20yo boy). Which had me asking myself the same question. The ever-so-overthinking-about-drama of Yana. Heh. I don't have answer. Yet.

I don't know how to end this post, because it's a mix up of random things today. Have a great day, Self! -Yana-

My very first... which i love.

It's 1st time i posted 2 posts on the same day, though it has passed 12am, so it's officially the next day.

But today's 1st Agama class that i officially teaching legally was quite memorable. I go back a bit behind, before i enter the class..

My mentor reminds me: Jangan lembut sangat kat diorang ni. Me: 어.. (i beg to differ). I know i can't act 'garang' with students, but i'll keep that from my mentor, for now.

So in class, i started with reading out loud my rules for class, and i have right to punish them if they break the rules. No talking w/out permission, no playing around, raised up hand for questions.

2nd, ta'aruf session (ice breaking, sort of). Aida, Wafa, Adila, Ikhwan, Zulhilmi and Haikal. It's easy to remember when they're just 6 of them. They told me they have 11 in total. This is Standard 5 students, but still such kids in my eyes.

3rd, discussing about classes. I don't expect them to be so eager in reading Al-Quran in class, because what i know from my mentor, she didn't included reading Al-Quran session in her class before. We agree on Al-Quran on Tuesday, Wednesday for Jawi and the rest on Friday.

4th, i introduced them to surah Taha, verse 1-5. Ayat pelembut hati. I make them read, and hope they'll memorize it soon (while praying silently their heart will be as soft as when Umar Al-Khattab convert to Islam). They agree to starting class with the 5 ayat.

5th, i tested their Jawi skills. Reading, they told me they can bear, eventhough not very fast. Writing, i concluded everyone having hard time. But i'm delighted when i ask:

Me: so you can read but not write. Anyway, do you like Jawi or not? Minat ke tak Jawi ni?

Students: SUKAAA~!!! MINAT!

I was in joy. The kids like Jawi. That's good enough for me, because you'll learn when you like it. And it shows when they were so into the writing-Jawi task that i gave. And they focus a lot when i teach HOW to write properly. I guess the previous teacher shouldn't blame them for not having nice handwriting when students don't given chances to learn how to write properly and nicely.

My class ends at that. I'm certainly not 'garang' in my class, but that's how i am. I deal with my students with having deals with them. You play in my class, i'll give you punishment of things you don't like. Example: writing Jawi sentences in 4 pages. They HATE writing alot. That's what they told me earlier during ice breaking.

In future, i hope these students will learn as much as they can in short period of time. And learn to learn, so they'll survive when the teachers are not around. All the best my kids! May Allah blessed all of you, all the time. -Yana

Languages: Malay, English, Korean, Japanese, Arabic, Chinese, Javanese (hit me now)

Languages. I know i love it, but i also know that i don't have talent in it. I know pieces and bites but never excel in any.

Bahasa Melayu? Got B for SPM. English? Just so-so. I'm still having hard time reading NST or English newspaper, though by now, i have more confidence in using it for speaking.

Other languages? I just know a liiiiittle bit. There's Korean, just few vocabs from Japanese, one or two from Chinese. I don't say i know Arabic language well, cause i'll just embarrassing myself. I sucks in it, though 5+years learning.

As for writing, i enjoy Jawi, eventhough my biggest weakness in it it quite huge, that is 'spelling'.

YET my daily life currently revolves around languages. A LOT.

I teach in Chinese school, though not directly teaching Chinese students, almost everyday i have to deal with them given the relief classes. Like it or not, i have to find ways to handle the classes full with language that i don't understand (Chinese) and the easiest way is to attempt to use Chinese. Laugh from students is common, but I'm not bothered by that.

I'm quite in puzzling situation when i use English to explain Math during 1 of my relief class. Hmmm i seems like i tried to use Malay, but English came out more naturally that time.

(I once re-write Got7's song title 딱좋아 on board in 1 of my relief class. Added 안좋아 and 너무 좋아 to that. I got the loudest applaud i had in years (exclude when i got applaud after coming back to practicum school). Heh. Showing off to get points eh Yana?)

Another time, today, students use Chinese in my Jawi class, when they fight to write Jawi on board (all in class are Malay, or at least mix-Malay) Why use Chinese? I don't know. I just let them be. On side note, i love when the students were so immersed in Jawi learning that they don't bothered about the bell ringing indicating school was over. Good. Spirit to learn is what i want.

Oh and at home i currently staying, the couples are Javanese, so they were times they use Javanese with each others, or when friends came over. I only understand one or two. -how much more i have to deal with languages,slang and writing, only Allah knows-

Today after maghrib is going to be New Year. In Islam Calendar. Hijr Calendar. And I hope for the best in Islam, for my family and me, for me to endure and enjoy languages as they are. Salam 1 Muharram 1437 Hijriah. -Yana-

Swoon over Lee Sang Yoon ('s charming smile)~!

I live my day, day by day, surviving through having to-do-list so that i can make sure I move forward. But this..is...

..hella weird to-do-list came across my mind.

To do list Yana 1.0- have charming smile like Lee Sang Yoon.

Is he handsome? For me: NOPE.

Is he charming? Yeapespeciallyhissmileohmyyyhemeltseveryhearthowcanisurviveifimeetsomeonelikehimpleaseiwantthatsmileeee

Have i just gone insane?

Maybe from living 2 weeks literally with no one i can spill my inner talk to. Sorry.

One more picture of him.

DIMPLES!!!!! Me: DYING

Twenty Again. Watch his drama and swoon over him. Join me. Please. #korean #drama #dramaland #myutopia #YanaUtopia

Shoes & Recognition 101015

Shoes. I was so happy walking around in classes today because i feel so light and comfortable.

Walaupun buruk dan murah, tapi ia sangat berjasa. Note to myself to buy new formal shoes, a very comfortable one to use at school, since i realized my mood greatly improved when i feel comfortable walking around.

Recognition. I feel like i'm already one of the school staff. Officially. Because i have the shirt the school gave me, and an account used for school works. Which every single teacher in the school owned. Cool enough! 'Selamat bertugas di ______'. Ayat keramat!

Anyway, most of people (maktab friends particularly) were having fun playing sports cause of Hari Sukan Negara today. 101015. (Government also announced 2nd week of Oct every year will be Hari Sukan Negara next year on). Hmm while I mereput having so many relief classes today. BUT..!

I won't complain. I won't. I will continue to work hard in this school, eventhough still haven't 'posting', cause i want 'disahkan jawatan' as fast as i can.

So i can further my studies. Faster.

Having this thought (making it an aim) actually helps me alot in actually having fun in school, whatever they gave me. Bring it on, give anything, everything, i will accept it with no complain. More when i sincerely put my heart to do work for Allah. Blessed!

Cuma cabarannya adalah insan-insan di sekeliling yang tak puas hati bagi pihak aku sebab dapat banyak kelas relief setiap hari. Chill people. I have no complain. Really. These people actually will bring me down when i'm keeping myself positive. Still, i'll accept this as another type of challenge.

Jiayou! 加友!  -Yana

Oh Exam! 091015

A quick post on a situation during handling (i don't think this is the right word but whatever) exam today.

I entered the class after another teacher. In other words, in the middle of the exam. As usual i walked around the class (i love to see students' answers). I speak no word. The class was also in dead silence.

Time moving on, i saw few students having really hard time answering, more to»writing. Cause it's Bahasa Melayu (PENULISAN) paper. 1 of student don't even write a single word, when 1 hour already gone.

So i broke the silence and said "siapa ada masalah boleh angkat tangan, tanya. Anyone having any problem, you can raise you hand and ask me". Suddenly most students murmuring and having new looks on their faces.

Apa korang ingat aku tunggul ke tadi? Dah tentu la cikgu ada suara, boleh cakap.

Turn out they really need help. They don't know many words, some having clues but can't really write, most are not sure if their answer is correct etc etc.

And i helped them. By translating Eng to Malay, by confirming their doubt, by throwing few Malay words to help with the paper ( darjah 5 kot, standard dah kena tulis karangan, tapi perkataan pun diorang pening lagi).

Back to the 'new looks on their faces'. It's like, when I'm offering help, they have this 'oh we can ask', 'oh i thought we cannot ask anything' kind of faces. It had me thinking: cikgu-cikgu sebelum ni tak tolong korang ke? Rare sangat ke aku bagi ayat 'kalau ada masalah boleh tanya'?

1 thing i learn: these kids want to learn. They are trying. Let us not easily scolding them for trying. Even if they are MEMORIZING the sentences (this had me laughing during the exam cause i can detect it).

Aku faham. Ramai cikgu kurang sabar. Tahun 5 pun tak faham Bahasa Melayu lagi! Tapi mungkin bukan marah yang mereka perlukan. Mereka perlukan sokongan. Tak kisahlah bangsa apa pun, tapi kalau mereka nak belajar, they are willing to learn, it's my very pleasure to help. Niat ikhlas kerana Allah, i find no hardship in it.

Aku cakap 'jia you!' kat budak Chinese yang tak tulis satu apa pun kat kertas dia. Kawan dia gelak. "Cikgu dia ini memang Cina punya.." aku: LOL kid hahahaha hoii memang la dia Chinese.. dah tu apa? Hahaha but i get your meaning. He can't with Malay and English. Anyway, all the best kids for next year UPSR.

P/s: Tajuk: Hari Sukan Sekolah. Student: cikgu, 'train' tu apa? Me: kereta api? Student: er..hahaha me: eh sorry, you mean 'latihan'... *facepalm me* -yana-

Long time no see, Alvin Chong!

-.- at my title.

oh well.

but indeed, last time i met him, accidentally when he crossed us (royal fambam) during VIXX event, somewhere in June. last time attended event was somewhere in.. April or May? that was with Sharon.

4 months.

So i decided to join this Born This Way tour in Cheras cause the previous weeks i was busy with settling my final year & starting life at new school. Prolly will update on that later.

And since Cheras near to my current place, so i can go back after-event easier (but NOT until i find out school was forced-closed for 2 days because of haze. 3-4 hours journey back to Kuala Selangor home again)

This time i was alone. i hesitated to asked anyone to join me because the IPU index for haze that day was so SO bad. Cheras alone passed 150 mark. very unhealthy. So i just braced myself, wear mask, and took public transport to event venue, which is Cheras Leisure Mall.

Event started quite late cause the venue was used for the mall event. Some lucky draw. i forgot i need to write letter, so i rushed to Popular Bookstore next building, but inside, i heard Alvin's name on the radio/speaker, so i thought the event already started.

Run again, but found out it hasn't started. -.- they invited Alvin to call out the lucky draw. heh. so no letter for Alvin. Maybe next time.

Took some time for Alvin to realized i was there. He asked (through body language) if i'm alone? i replied with nod.

So event started with MC Lawrence, pick few people for game. i need to keep myself low, so i didn't take part in any game. (Also told mum i was to meet friend, -my friend is Alvin?- so yeah, i need to keep low).

2 cover songs , i think i've heard those before, but i don't know the song titles. Now for pictures:

my fav picture

celebrity friends (?)

Alvin tangan awkward hahahaha

pastu jadi ke situ la tangannya

unforgettable scene, when going upstage for fansign:
Alvin: Yanaaaaaa!! -tangan stretch out- tapi sambil duduk lol
me: -lol drama, layankan- Alvinnnnnn!!!!

Macam saudara terpisah lama. rindu la tu..kan? :p

ok that's all. See you when i see you Alvin.

-Yana-