How about asking the same question to yourself? I cried.

"Teacher can i give up?", ask Hazeeq to me. "NO", i firmly replied him. Now these echoing back to me, i feel like crying.

I feel so powerless and useless. The students won't listen to me. I feel the same like Hazeeq. I want to ask the same question. "Can i give up?" But i myself answered No to my student. How could i possibly say Yes to myself. If i give up, how about my students?

I told Hazeeq, "see? You got it all correct. It's just that you need to continue working on it until finish. I know you can". Right BACK at my face.

Feeling so disappointed with myself today. Indeed if you fail to plan, then you plan to fail. *cry*

-yanaliyana-

Random things, How you know you're finally an adult?

I can say Henley Hii is my ideal type right? cough
whenifirstsawhiminreallifeitwasconfirmed
cough. And that reply on ig got me smiling ear to ear! I'm sorry i'm just a mere fan but he seems so considerate!

And i won't post this one on twitter, in case Alvin will directed here *i doubt he reads any of my entry, except maybe the one i linked him long ago*

I don't know why i'm too conscious with Alvin, as if it will hurt him if i spazz over other male artists. Because i feel like you're vulnerable. Just like Cha Hakyeon of VIXX. You care too much, you'll hurt as much. But both of you are so loving, and strong.

Heh talking like i know him on other level, when i'm just a fan who he happened to remember my name, maybe because i mentioned him a lot on twitter. Siapalah aku, only a person who can wish you the best from far. Dah Yana jangan nak melo sangat. Over.

Anyway, i started to think this blog served more as a diary to me, lately. Maybe because i'm lonely? Or 'lonely' might not be the right word. I prefer 'I had more, lots of time for myself'.

I had this sentence echoes for me a lot today, delivered by my best friend Pah, whom i missed alot, i might cry. I told her almost 90% about what happened to me when i change my staying place to current one, how i search for room/house to rent by myself, searching and communicating with society without any help of acquaintance, going to school alone, enduring things alone. This got hammered in my mind:

Yana dah dewasa.. (You've grown up..)

She sounds like a proud mom friend through the phone. And I'm so overwhelmed by that comment. Until this very second. I miss you. REALLY.

That was the 1st time i received such comment, even i'm the type to travel alone (and far) many times, people just called me brave. Never have i received: you're grown up now.

But then, I'm having life problem right now, and i don't know how to solve it. 24 years old, but i'm still lost. Daughter of my tenant came today, saying when she's my age, she already got married. I must be still a very young person in her eyes (her daughter called me 'kakak' -sis- when i think i should be her makcik level already)

Coincidentally, i'm on episode of Twenty Again where Minsoo asked: do i really am adult right now? (He portrays 20yo boy). Which had me asking myself the same question. The ever-so-overthinking-about-drama of Yana. Heh. I don't have answer. Yet.

I don't know how to end this post, because it's a mix up of random things today. Have a great day, Self! -Yana-

My very first... which i love.

It's 1st time i posted 2 posts on the same day, though it has passed 12am, so it's officially the next day.

But today's 1st Agama class that i officially teaching legally was quite memorable. I go back a bit behind, before i enter the class..

My mentor reminds me: Jangan lembut sangat kat diorang ni. Me: 어.. (i beg to differ). I know i can't act 'garang' with students, but i'll keep that from my mentor, for now.

So in class, i started with reading out loud my rules for class, and i have right to punish them if they break the rules. No talking w/out permission, no playing around, raised up hand for questions.

2nd, ta'aruf session (ice breaking, sort of). Aida, Wafa, Adila, Ikhwan, Zulhilmi and Haikal. It's easy to remember when they're just 6 of them. They told me they have 11 in total. This is Standard 5 students, but still such kids in my eyes.

3rd, discussing about classes. I don't expect them to be so eager in reading Al-Quran in class, because what i know from my mentor, she didn't included reading Al-Quran session in her class before. We agree on Al-Quran on Tuesday, Wednesday for Jawi and the rest on Friday.

4th, i introduced them to surah Taha, verse 1-5. Ayat pelembut hati. I make them read, and hope they'll memorize it soon (while praying silently their heart will be as soft as when Umar Al-Khattab convert to Islam). They agree to starting class with the 5 ayat.

5th, i tested their Jawi skills. Reading, they told me they can bear, eventhough not very fast. Writing, i concluded everyone having hard time. But i'm delighted when i ask:

Me: so you can read but not write. Anyway, do you like Jawi or not? Minat ke tak Jawi ni?

Students: SUKAAA~!!! MINAT!

I was in joy. The kids like Jawi. That's good enough for me, because you'll learn when you like it. And it shows when they were so into the writing-Jawi task that i gave. And they focus a lot when i teach HOW to write properly. I guess the previous teacher shouldn't blame them for not having nice handwriting when students don't given chances to learn how to write properly and nicely.

My class ends at that. I'm certainly not 'garang' in my class, but that's how i am. I deal with my students with having deals with them. You play in my class, i'll give you punishment of things you don't like. Example: writing Jawi sentences in 4 pages. They HATE writing alot. That's what they told me earlier during ice breaking.

In future, i hope these students will learn as much as they can in short period of time. And learn to learn, so they'll survive when the teachers are not around. All the best my kids! May Allah blessed all of you, all the time. -Yana

Languages: Malay, English, Korean, Japanese, Arabic, Chinese, Javanese (hit me now)

Languages. I know i love it, but i also know that i don't have talent in it. I know pieces and bites but never excel in any.

Bahasa Melayu? Got B for SPM. English? Just so-so. I'm still having hard time reading NST or English newspaper, though by now, i have more confidence in using it for speaking.

Other languages? I just know a liiiiittle bit. There's Korean, just few vocabs from Japanese, one or two from Chinese. I don't say i know Arabic language well, cause i'll just embarrassing myself. I sucks in it, though 5+years learning.

As for writing, i enjoy Jawi, eventhough my biggest weakness in it it quite huge, that is 'spelling'.

YET my daily life currently revolves around languages. A LOT.

I teach in Chinese school, though not directly teaching Chinese students, almost everyday i have to deal with them given the relief classes. Like it or not, i have to find ways to handle the classes full with language that i don't understand (Chinese) and the easiest way is to attempt to use Chinese. Laugh from students is common, but I'm not bothered by that.

I'm quite in puzzling situation when i use English to explain Math during 1 of my relief class. Hmmm i seems like i tried to use Malay, but English came out more naturally that time.

(I once re-write Got7's song title 딱좋아 on board in 1 of my relief class. Added 안좋아 and 너무 좋아 to that. I got the loudest applaud i had in years (exclude when i got applaud after coming back to practicum school). Heh. Showing off to get points eh Yana?)

Another time, today, students use Chinese in my Jawi class, when they fight to write Jawi on board (all in class are Malay, or at least mix-Malay) Why use Chinese? I don't know. I just let them be. On side note, i love when the students were so immersed in Jawi learning that they don't bothered about the bell ringing indicating school was over. Good. Spirit to learn is what i want.

Oh and at home i currently staying, the couples are Javanese, so they were times they use Javanese with each others, or when friends came over. I only understand one or two. -how much more i have to deal with languages,slang and writing, only Allah knows-

Today after maghrib is going to be New Year. In Islam Calendar. Hijr Calendar. And I hope for the best in Islam, for my family and me, for me to endure and enjoy languages as they are. Salam 1 Muharram 1437 Hijriah. -Yana-

Shoes & Recognition 101015

Shoes. I was so happy walking around in classes today because i feel so light and comfortable.

Walaupun buruk dan murah, tapi ia sangat berjasa. Note to myself to buy new formal shoes, a very comfortable one to use at school, since i realized my mood greatly improved when i feel comfortable walking around.

Recognition. I feel like i'm already one of the school staff. Officially. Because i have the shirt the school gave me, and an account used for school works. Which every single teacher in the school owned. Cool enough! 'Selamat bertugas di ______'. Ayat keramat!

Anyway, most of people (maktab friends particularly) were having fun playing sports cause of Hari Sukan Negara today. 101015. (Government also announced 2nd week of Oct every year will be Hari Sukan Negara next year on). Hmm while I mereput having so many relief classes today. BUT..!

I won't complain. I won't. I will continue to work hard in this school, eventhough still haven't 'posting', cause i want 'disahkan jawatan' as fast as i can.

So i can further my studies. Faster.

Having this thought (making it an aim) actually helps me alot in actually having fun in school, whatever they gave me. Bring it on, give anything, everything, i will accept it with no complain. More when i sincerely put my heart to do work for Allah. Blessed!

Cuma cabarannya adalah insan-insan di sekeliling yang tak puas hati bagi pihak aku sebab dapat banyak kelas relief setiap hari. Chill people. I have no complain. Really. These people actually will bring me down when i'm keeping myself positive. Still, i'll accept this as another type of challenge.

Jiayou! 加友!  -Yana